Fursat Friday 117 - Friday, May 14, 2010...
My friends Obama and Ambani (senior) have a thing in common. They are both intelligent and make earth-shattering predictions that Nostradamus would have shuddered making.
Earlier this week, they had figured out – much before anyone else could – that the oil and gas prices are going to rise in the near future and will remain high for a good amount of time till the sailboat industry is back on its rails or humanlings developed this innate hang-up about under-water habitats for themselves and for all other humanlings of the future.
And Fursat Friday predicts – if that were to happen, the tail and the fins will be back on humanlings. But, of course, that transformation will take another million years and no recorded history – including Nostradamus, Obama, Ambani or Fursat Friday – unless preserved in liquid crystal chemically amenable to co-exist with water, may actually be available for underwater humanlings!
While these predictions are astounding, Ambani is factual. He has a number in mind – both for the gas price and his company’s stock price by this year end. Backed by research and his recent victory in the courts over his younger sibling, Ambani eyes the bourses and sets a bullish trend for the oil producers.
Obama’s philosophical outpouring at Buffalo (the same exact place where he had made his infamous 'Buffalo to Bengaluru' statement last May) is to do with more and more cars being bought outside of America – in China and in India. Worried about a challenge to America’s four wheeler supremacy especially with oil getting produced elsewhere and now increasingly consumed elsewhere in Asia and other geographies, Obama may inject more of those stimulus greenbacks into Detroit and provide excise incentives to the end consumer all across the 49 states barring Alaska.
Not that we are exact contemporaries, but it’s beyond the obvious that Alaska will soon be underwater in Obama’s and my lifetime.
Post his Buffalo brooding, Obama has given a fresh vent to the sagging car sales in the US. And this, backed by an absolutely whackier-than-thou legislation to support car sales.
Consider this. If you buy a 4th car for your family – living under the same roof or otherwise – the state will give you a similar car or lower for free. If you buy a fifth car, the state will take care of 3 Mexican immigrants’ social security. If you buy your second MUV, the state will pull back 10 sergeants, 12 Black Hawks and 40 air-to-cave missile bombers from Afghanistan. If you get a Geo-psychic-track-your-spouse Tormenting System installed in your car, the state will sponsor 20,000 more H1B visas for Indian Green Card wannabes from Telangana – who would actually customize that system for you. The mortgaging will happen through state run loan sharks as even otherwise, the banks and financial institutions are now state run.
On the Eastside of the world though, the legislation has been lot more cautious, conventional, singularly focused on Sailboats and Skywalks and is undeniably future looking. After a long deliberation in the Parliament, the Indian Government has released its first set of legislations through its official mouthpiece – ‘Pichwaada’!
All the gutters – that resembled the look of rivers sometime ago – will now be cleaned to give them a real ‘rivery’ look, feel and a functional purpose. In a complete redefinition to the Mass Rapid Transport System, the state will sponsor the set up and development of the Sailboat industry, with an objective to ferry millions of Indians as the rivers flow through the length and breadth of the country. The Sailboats will have a naming convention – 2344 Down (Kalka to Kolkata 'Ganga Maiyya Express') and the same sailboat comes back as 2343 Up. This will be augmented by a fine surface transport infrastructure that will combine horses, mules and bullocks specially imported from Pandora.
As a consequence, the state will provide tax holiday to Bollywood movies that promote the usage of Sailboats and the Pandora Polypeds. The almost defunct river-song industry which was once made famous by SD Burman and his son RDB, will now see a revival. Further, movies that show the Delhi Metro and other such backward modes of rapid transport will be heavily taxed and censored.
Once the rivers dry up due to the much touted Global Warming as a result of increased car sales in the Westside of the world, the state plans to construct 'over-the-river' Skywalks. The skywalks would take the same naming convention as the sailboats.
Meanwhile, my friend Happy and his brother Lucky who were planning to buy 2 more new cars for the family in Delhi – for Happy’s wife Jassi’s trips to the 'Buuty Pallur' and Lucky’s under-graduate daughter Pinky’s ‘Paltian Shaltian’ – will have to wait.
While they do that…
Have a Great Weekend…
Ravi Kodukula.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Fursat Friday 116 - Humanet Social Security... Finally...
Fursat Friday 116… Friday, May 07, 2010…
May 08, 2030… New Delhi.
The Union Human Resources Conservation and Preservation Ministry (HRCPM), in consultation with the Human Rights activist and Member of Parliament, M. Gandhi, has passed a breakthrough bill which has been much in debate and discussion over the last 80 years, ever since all legislation has been in the hands and hearts of the country’s best dogs.
The legislation is particularly laudable as it finally attempts to discipline all other dogs outside of the Parliament too – to be righteous in their attitude and pay heed to the most neglected species in the country. The legislation equivocally binds all dogs that have humanets (human pets) with strict penalties for neglect.
A beaming 70+ year old MP, who has always been a ceaseless champion of all varieties of animal and pets’ rights all her life right from her mother’s womb, and who had enabled landmark legislation 20 years ago for pets’ social security, (http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/Now-neglecting-your-pets-can-land-you-in-soup/articleshow/5904918.cms) said, "I am very happy that I could finally do something for the humanets. Humanets are social animals too and you know, I have always championed all animal causes. It was a relentless struggle for the last many years. This is a landmark legislation".
Under the new legislation, the transcript of which is widely splashed on the 110 million pages of the Externet when you do the Poodle-Search, here are the salient points. A lot of the language of the legislation is very similar to the Pets' Social Security Bill, with a few additional features.
The new rules mandate that all you dogs register the birth and death of all humanets. Further, you need to provide a quack’s statement certifying the cause of death. Humanz – the singular no-competition countrywide retail chain that sells pedigreed humanets could now be forced to provide enviable living standards to the livestock that they wish to sell. A humanet owner could be booked for cruelty to humanets if found violating these rules.
M. Gandhi talked about strict vigilance for conservation and preservation of humanets and a special task force that will be created for this purpose. "All humanet inspectors will be recruited from a rare mixed breed of American Foxhounds and Afghan Hounds. This breed is a recent induction into Humanet Administration Services and has its origins not so long ago when American ‘air to cave’ missiles pounded the caves in Afghanistan which resulted in casualties of the caves and the birth of a new breed of hounds. The inspectors will also need to undergo doctoral thesis in humanetarian sciences at the world renowned Dog-Gone University at Washington DC".
She further added that the primary among the duties of such inspectors will be to visit your house and ensure that the humanets are well fed and exercised, provided adequate sleep, minimum physical space is provided, and also adequate arrangements for their mating have been made.
Here are the finer details of humanet breeding, conservation and preservation. If it's a pedigreed humanet you want to keep, be prepared to be screened by the breeder or seller on your 'potential' to properly take care of the species – especially if it's a large-egoed breed. You are also required to groom, train and help socialize and be able to afford its humanetary expenses and exercise regime.
At Humanz, ambient temperatures should be maintained for humanets at 20-25 degrees Celsius and humidity below 50% with air-conditioning. They should be housed in a safe building with fire safety equipment and an evacuation plan. Humanet playgrounds, swimming pools and clubhouses, gymnasia for the two legged variety, tennis courts and mini golf courses will earn you brownie points and tax holidays with the Humanet Administrative Services department.
Further, if you are a humanet owner, your house must be away from the highways, main-streets and narrow lanes and from sound, dust and air pollution. Adequate ventilation, light and water must be provided for comfortable accommodation with preferably large windows on two sides, sunshades to prevent direct sunlight or sleet during rain and a false ceiling too, wherever possible.
The HRCPM is separately finalizing the humanet mating and marketing rules to ensure healthy and well-bred humanets for India. In a trade where pedigree matters and people spend lakhs and crores on procuring the right set of two legs, the new rules would make humanet breeding a licensed business with strict rules.
An international schooling plus an IIT, IIM and a Harvard Ph. D sells at a whopping 2 crore rupees at Humanz. If the cost of procurement is high, here is why.
The humanet education institutions will have to ensure adequate dosage of case studies on how to manage your ‘dog-gone boss’; have to police no humanet indulges in under-graduate sex; no fertile female humanet produces litters in two consecutive breeding seasons and shall not give birth to more than four litters during her lifespan; a stud humanet can only be allowed to mate after a licensed humanetarian (the doggy version of a veterinarian) has deemed it healthy to do so. And, the humanetarian (largely cocker-spaniels have taken to this trade) will have to certify that the female humanet is of the right age to mate.
The humanets will have to be tested for genetic defects such as night blindness, hip dysplasia, missing canines, retina atrophy and erectile dysfunction among others.
Despite all this, certain animal rights activists, erstwhile friends of M. Gandhi, accused her of a biased attitude towards humanets and have decided to stage countrywide protests over this weekend. Representatives of 194 breeds of dogs in the country will gather at Jantar Mantar and will march to the Rashtrapati Bhavan to protest against the bill. However, the Norwegian Elkhounds and Boston Terriers, who have been with M. through thick and thin, have decided not to join the protests.
As always, the Cavalier Communist King Charles Spaniels have lambasted the bill and the protestors alike and have abstained from voting.
While the plot thickens around the Humanet Social Security…
Have a Great Weekend…
Ravi Kodukula.
May 08, 2030… New Delhi.
The Union Human Resources Conservation and Preservation Ministry (HRCPM), in consultation with the Human Rights activist and Member of Parliament, M. Gandhi, has passed a breakthrough bill which has been much in debate and discussion over the last 80 years, ever since all legislation has been in the hands and hearts of the country’s best dogs.
The legislation is particularly laudable as it finally attempts to discipline all other dogs outside of the Parliament too – to be righteous in their attitude and pay heed to the most neglected species in the country. The legislation equivocally binds all dogs that have humanets (human pets) with strict penalties for neglect.
A beaming 70+ year old MP, who has always been a ceaseless champion of all varieties of animal and pets’ rights all her life right from her mother’s womb, and who had enabled landmark legislation 20 years ago for pets’ social security, (http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/Now-neglecting-your-pets-can-land-you-in-soup/articleshow/5904918.cms) said, "I am very happy that I could finally do something for the humanets. Humanets are social animals too and you know, I have always championed all animal causes. It was a relentless struggle for the last many years. This is a landmark legislation".
Under the new legislation, the transcript of which is widely splashed on the 110 million pages of the Externet when you do the Poodle-Search, here are the salient points. A lot of the language of the legislation is very similar to the Pets' Social Security Bill, with a few additional features.
The new rules mandate that all you dogs register the birth and death of all humanets. Further, you need to provide a quack’s statement certifying the cause of death. Humanz – the singular no-competition countrywide retail chain that sells pedigreed humanets could now be forced to provide enviable living standards to the livestock that they wish to sell. A humanet owner could be booked for cruelty to humanets if found violating these rules.
M. Gandhi talked about strict vigilance for conservation and preservation of humanets and a special task force that will be created for this purpose. "All humanet inspectors will be recruited from a rare mixed breed of American Foxhounds and Afghan Hounds. This breed is a recent induction into Humanet Administration Services and has its origins not so long ago when American ‘air to cave’ missiles pounded the caves in Afghanistan which resulted in casualties of the caves and the birth of a new breed of hounds. The inspectors will also need to undergo doctoral thesis in humanetarian sciences at the world renowned Dog-Gone University at Washington DC".
She further added that the primary among the duties of such inspectors will be to visit your house and ensure that the humanets are well fed and exercised, provided adequate sleep, minimum physical space is provided, and also adequate arrangements for their mating have been made.
Here are the finer details of humanet breeding, conservation and preservation. If it's a pedigreed humanet you want to keep, be prepared to be screened by the breeder or seller on your 'potential' to properly take care of the species – especially if it's a large-egoed breed. You are also required to groom, train and help socialize and be able to afford its humanetary expenses and exercise regime.
At Humanz, ambient temperatures should be maintained for humanets at 20-25 degrees Celsius and humidity below 50% with air-conditioning. They should be housed in a safe building with fire safety equipment and an evacuation plan. Humanet playgrounds, swimming pools and clubhouses, gymnasia for the two legged variety, tennis courts and mini golf courses will earn you brownie points and tax holidays with the Humanet Administrative Services department.
Further, if you are a humanet owner, your house must be away from the highways, main-streets and narrow lanes and from sound, dust and air pollution. Adequate ventilation, light and water must be provided for comfortable accommodation with preferably large windows on two sides, sunshades to prevent direct sunlight or sleet during rain and a false ceiling too, wherever possible.
The HRCPM is separately finalizing the humanet mating and marketing rules to ensure healthy and well-bred humanets for India. In a trade where pedigree matters and people spend lakhs and crores on procuring the right set of two legs, the new rules would make humanet breeding a licensed business with strict rules.
An international schooling plus an IIT, IIM and a Harvard Ph. D sells at a whopping 2 crore rupees at Humanz. If the cost of procurement is high, here is why.
The humanet education institutions will have to ensure adequate dosage of case studies on how to manage your ‘dog-gone boss’; have to police no humanet indulges in under-graduate sex; no fertile female humanet produces litters in two consecutive breeding seasons and shall not give birth to more than four litters during her lifespan; a stud humanet can only be allowed to mate after a licensed humanetarian (the doggy version of a veterinarian) has deemed it healthy to do so. And, the humanetarian (largely cocker-spaniels have taken to this trade) will have to certify that the female humanet is of the right age to mate.
The humanets will have to be tested for genetic defects such as night blindness, hip dysplasia, missing canines, retina atrophy and erectile dysfunction among others.
Despite all this, certain animal rights activists, erstwhile friends of M. Gandhi, accused her of a biased attitude towards humanets and have decided to stage countrywide protests over this weekend. Representatives of 194 breeds of dogs in the country will gather at Jantar Mantar and will march to the Rashtrapati Bhavan to protest against the bill. However, the Norwegian Elkhounds and Boston Terriers, who have been with M. through thick and thin, have decided not to join the protests.
As always, the Cavalier Communist King Charles Spaniels have lambasted the bill and the protestors alike and have abstained from voting.
While the plot thickens around the Humanet Social Security…
Have a Great Weekend…
Ravi Kodukula.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Fursat Friday 115 - A Senior Level Opportunity...
Fursat Friday 115 - Friday, April 30, 2010
“Am I speaking to Mr. Ravi Kodukula, Sir?”
The call had landed on my desk phone at work. It was a lissome voice aged not beyond 1985. Not that I have mastered the art of guessing the vintage in the voice over the phone, but the mere reverence in the voice suggested that here was someone who at least holds my senility in high esteem.
“Yes it is”, I said, in the best of an early morning baritone that my vocal chords could bunch up.
Very early on in my life as a Customer Service Rep over the phone, I learnt the art of “pacing”. Well, the crux is to be able to match the tenor and mood of the caller, not in the least the pitch, the tone and the volume, so as to be able to perform an absolutely admirable tango on the telephone.
And when someone calls you “Sir”, the response has to have a true-blue bass.
“Sir – I am calling from American Express and what I am going to talk to you about is personal and confidential. May I have your mobile phone number so that I could call you back please?”
I think I have been paying up my credit card bills on time. On a card engraved in platinum that American Express had bestowed upon me based on my good looks a few years ago. And when they sold me the platinum, they made me feel as though I own a precious metal that, when love, faith and credit cards were to hit all time abysmal lows, would fetch me unparalleled dividends if I were to sell this piece of plastic to junk dealers or nuclear reactor research centers. I have an impeccable record as an employee with the brand for more than 12 years of having served the brand and its loyal customers. My credit rating, for whatever it is worth in this post recession epoch, has been at an all time high – courtesy my employer, who has not failed me my pay cheques even in these turbulent times.
And, of course, all the women friends of mine who were my contemporaries at work and play during those years are either married or have given up hope. So, what could be so personal and confidential between American Express and I?
My mobile phone rang. “Sir, my name is Loveleen (name changed – to protect my senility). I am actually calling from XYZ consultants. We are an Executive Search company. I want to discuss a senior level opportunity with you. Is this a good time Sir?”
I diluted my baritone. My voice had more treble than bass in it now. I was furious that she lied to me and was excited that here was an umpteenth caller this week with “senior level opportunities”. The market is really smiling, I thought.
“Then why did you tell me you are from American Express?” were my first words. My tone had a “why are you maligning my favorite brand?” in it.
“Sir, I had called before and when I told them the truth, they didn’t put me through”. Loveleen was outright naïve and honest.
I betrayed a big laugh. I said, “Go on. Tell me more”.
“Sir – this is an industry leader blah blah… absolutely senior level Learning and Development role blah blah blah… reporting to the India HR Head blah… who reports to the CEO… has dual reporting into APAC blah… located at blah blah… actually god’s gift to someone like you blah, blah, blah and blah…” larked Loveleen for the next few minutes. I knew I was the umpteenth “senior guy” that she was talking to, this last couple of days.
“Thanks Loveleen. I have a few questions”, I said. “How did you come to hear of me?”
“Sir – one of my friends who works with another Executive Search firm gave me your reference”.
“So, what do you already know of me that you called me?” I knew the answer though. It was a cold call on my desk phone wanting to talk to the L&D Head of my current employer. Not a difficult guess.
“Sir – literally nothing. That’s the reason I am calling you – to know more”, said Loveleen.
Intelligent. A more intelligent head hunter – irrespective of the aging of the body and the brain – would have gone through my LinkedIn profile, asked this friend for a brief profile sketch or, in the least, would have 'Googled' me. I leave enough electronic dust every now and then through Fursat Friday for people to trace me back to my bone marrow.
“OK – tell me more about this role. What are the key expectations? I suspect this may be a lower role than what I am currently into”, I offered.
“Sir actually, my senior would know more about this role. She is my CEO. Honestly even she got the mandate just yesterday – while she was at the pub with the HR lady from this company. Also, this is a new role, Sir. You know how it is – they haven’t got a role description printed yet. They would first like to meet with you so that they could shape the role to fit in with your experience and their requirements”.
“Well – how old is your firm? And what was your CEO doing before this?” I asked.
I knew the answer to this one too. The CEO of this Executive Search firm, like many others in this post recession time zone, must have been a casualty from not so bright an era just gone by. Fraught with lack of opportunities, they now have shops that sell opportunities. And why not? The sun is raising its hood again. Let’s all make some hay.
“Sir – may I have your most updated CV?” pleaded Loveleen.
I politely asked Loveleen to have a dekko at my LinkedIn profile and call me back when this company and she or her CEO have a role description.
Loveleen had called 2 weeks ago. I have not heard back from her!
Meanwhile, this company that has this role, or at least thought of having one, is fighting fresh lawsuits back home where it is incorporated.
While I muster copious courage to face this company and plenteous patience and wait for Loveleen’s next call…
Have a Great Weekend…
Ravi Kodukula.
“Am I speaking to Mr. Ravi Kodukula, Sir?”
The call had landed on my desk phone at work. It was a lissome voice aged not beyond 1985. Not that I have mastered the art of guessing the vintage in the voice over the phone, but the mere reverence in the voice suggested that here was someone who at least holds my senility in high esteem.
“Yes it is”, I said, in the best of an early morning baritone that my vocal chords could bunch up.
Very early on in my life as a Customer Service Rep over the phone, I learnt the art of “pacing”. Well, the crux is to be able to match the tenor and mood of the caller, not in the least the pitch, the tone and the volume, so as to be able to perform an absolutely admirable tango on the telephone.
And when someone calls you “Sir”, the response has to have a true-blue bass.
“Sir – I am calling from American Express and what I am going to talk to you about is personal and confidential. May I have your mobile phone number so that I could call you back please?”
I think I have been paying up my credit card bills on time. On a card engraved in platinum that American Express had bestowed upon me based on my good looks a few years ago. And when they sold me the platinum, they made me feel as though I own a precious metal that, when love, faith and credit cards were to hit all time abysmal lows, would fetch me unparalleled dividends if I were to sell this piece of plastic to junk dealers or nuclear reactor research centers. I have an impeccable record as an employee with the brand for more than 12 years of having served the brand and its loyal customers. My credit rating, for whatever it is worth in this post recession epoch, has been at an all time high – courtesy my employer, who has not failed me my pay cheques even in these turbulent times.
And, of course, all the women friends of mine who were my contemporaries at work and play during those years are either married or have given up hope. So, what could be so personal and confidential between American Express and I?
My mobile phone rang. “Sir, my name is Loveleen (name changed – to protect my senility). I am actually calling from XYZ consultants. We are an Executive Search company. I want to discuss a senior level opportunity with you. Is this a good time Sir?”
I diluted my baritone. My voice had more treble than bass in it now. I was furious that she lied to me and was excited that here was an umpteenth caller this week with “senior level opportunities”. The market is really smiling, I thought.
“Then why did you tell me you are from American Express?” were my first words. My tone had a “why are you maligning my favorite brand?” in it.
“Sir, I had called before and when I told them the truth, they didn’t put me through”. Loveleen was outright naïve and honest.
I betrayed a big laugh. I said, “Go on. Tell me more”.
“Sir – this is an industry leader blah blah… absolutely senior level Learning and Development role blah blah blah… reporting to the India HR Head blah… who reports to the CEO… has dual reporting into APAC blah… located at blah blah… actually god’s gift to someone like you blah, blah, blah and blah…” larked Loveleen for the next few minutes. I knew I was the umpteenth “senior guy” that she was talking to, this last couple of days.
“Thanks Loveleen. I have a few questions”, I said. “How did you come to hear of me?”
“Sir – one of my friends who works with another Executive Search firm gave me your reference”.
“So, what do you already know of me that you called me?” I knew the answer though. It was a cold call on my desk phone wanting to talk to the L&D Head of my current employer. Not a difficult guess.
“Sir – literally nothing. That’s the reason I am calling you – to know more”, said Loveleen.
Intelligent. A more intelligent head hunter – irrespective of the aging of the body and the brain – would have gone through my LinkedIn profile, asked this friend for a brief profile sketch or, in the least, would have 'Googled' me. I leave enough electronic dust every now and then through Fursat Friday for people to trace me back to my bone marrow.
“OK – tell me more about this role. What are the key expectations? I suspect this may be a lower role than what I am currently into”, I offered.
“Sir actually, my senior would know more about this role. She is my CEO. Honestly even she got the mandate just yesterday – while she was at the pub with the HR lady from this company. Also, this is a new role, Sir. You know how it is – they haven’t got a role description printed yet. They would first like to meet with you so that they could shape the role to fit in with your experience and their requirements”.
“Well – how old is your firm? And what was your CEO doing before this?” I asked.
I knew the answer to this one too. The CEO of this Executive Search firm, like many others in this post recession time zone, must have been a casualty from not so bright an era just gone by. Fraught with lack of opportunities, they now have shops that sell opportunities. And why not? The sun is raising its hood again. Let’s all make some hay.
“Sir – may I have your most updated CV?” pleaded Loveleen.
I politely asked Loveleen to have a dekko at my LinkedIn profile and call me back when this company and she or her CEO have a role description.
Loveleen had called 2 weeks ago. I have not heard back from her!
Meanwhile, this company that has this role, or at least thought of having one, is fighting fresh lawsuits back home where it is incorporated.
While I muster copious courage to face this company and plenteous patience and wait for Loveleen’s next call…
Have a Great Weekend…
Ravi Kodukula.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Fursat Friday 114 - What The... Beep... Beep...
Fursat Friday 114 – Friday, April 23, 2010...
An SMS bang in the middle of the night. My friend Tonia Sehan knows I am on Vodafone and follows me as the pug would – always ‘Happy To Yelp’!
‘Beep... Beep’. Congratulations – Jai Ho – Mumbai Indians won!
Was Tonia confirming to me her geo-psychic affiliation to the Mumbai Indians? Or was she testing my terrestrial allegiance to the IPL Teams, especially since I have wandered and drew dispassionate breath in many cities that I have lived over the last few years? Or was she exploring which Team I thought, should finally adopt the Dr. DY Patil Stadium? Particularly since the Deccan Chargers have been toppled out of Telangana and had a brief dalliance with DY Patil, before they settled on the Orange County (Nagpur).
While I was still lost in deep thought who is religiously devoted to whom in this entire IPL conundrum, my friend Amit Muley shared with me a more precarious predicament as it showed up in his tarot cards mumbo jumbo. This, provided, we lived through the next 5 years despite all the hype and hoopla around the beleaguered League.
Fast Forward - IPL 2015.
As Napoleon Nayudu prepared to face another ball, several thoughts raced through his mind. After being bought by the Gummidipoondi Gumboils for an astronomical $5 million in the 2015 Indian Premier League (IPL) auction, he knew he had a reputation to keep.
Nayudu’s mind raced like the Tata Photon data card. Should he try a Fanta Front Foot Drive, or should he aim for a Coca Cola Cover Drive? Or perhaps, a straightforward Sprite Square Cut would be a better idea. He realized he needed to hit an IBM Boundary soon. Ever since IBM had announced they would pay Rs 1 lakh per boundary and Rs 5 lakh for a six, he had been trying to run less and hit more.
Unfortunately, he hadn't been doing either in this match, because the Begusarai Bandits had some very good bowlers. The next ball, he played a Pepsi Inside Edge onto his Maggi middle stump and trudged wearily off the field to the accompaniment of boos from the Vodafone Zoo-zoo stand at the Kellogg's Special K-Cereal stadium in Gummidipoondi.
Relaxing in the Parle Glucose commentary box, Saurav Ganguly ruminated on the momentous changes in the game that had occurred since the IPL came into being. In 2010, he remembered, the game started to really grow, with huge sums of money being paid for the Pune and Kochi teams. Teams soon started springing up like frogs in the monsoon. And when the Gorakhpur Gorillas won the IPL in 2012, every district town in the country wanted its own side.
The IPL season was extended to six months in the year, then to 12 months and soon, once the villages started having their own sides, you had matches on all 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. Industrialists sold off their old companies and bought IPL teams. Advertisers fought with each other to sponsor matches, stadia, sixes, fours, shots, balls, no balls, wickets, wides and what not. Each of the field placing positions was sponsored too, including the Castrol Cover and Sleep-in Silly Point.
Every patch of the player's clothing, his arm guard, helmet, and pads was smeared in advertisements. Tendulkar Itch Guard Crotch Guards started a new trend in merchandising, selling like hot cakes.
After waging a war over a year with the Income Tax officials and a host of anti-IPL lobbies in 2010, Finance Minister Lalit Modi had called for a plebiscite and had Indians from all over India and abroad vote in favor of the continuance of the IPL in its original avatar with all the betting, bungling and the beguiling deals.
In the parliament today, Modi mooted a radical proposal for nationalizing the Board of Control for Cricket in India, pointing out that its profits would wipe out the government's fiscal deficit. Food production had suffered, he said, as villagers refused to till their fields and spent their time playing cricket instead. A law prohibiting the transformation of arable land into cricket pitches was swiftly passed. A resolution to install a statue of Lalit Modi in Parliament was also adopted unanimously.
As the money flowed in, players' salaries zoomed. Everybody wanted to be a cricketer. Engineering and medical colleges were deserted and Indian Institutes of Management converted themselves into Institutes of Cricketing Management.
Keiron Pollard, who retired from T20 cricket 2 years ago after having made some obsenely undisclosed wealth at the ripe old age of 25, is the newly appointed Dean of the Dr. Sachin Tendulkar University. Immediately upon his appointment, he prescribed the legendary C.K. Prahalad’s ‘Pot of Gold at the Bottom of the Leg Stump’ as the official text book at the University. The Shane Warne College for Cricketing Excellence in Australia promptly followed up with a similar move for the 20 thousand odd students enrolled in its campus - 80% of whom continued to be migrant Indian students. This was particularly facilitated by the Australian Government's resolve to clamp down heavily on racial violence to protect its commercial interest in the IPL, profits from which, were funding 'Protect The Kangaroo' mission.
With IPL 6 being a huge hit in North America two years ago, Harvard Cricket School institutionalized the now prominent Sir Saurabh Tiwary chair for T20 research and development. Wharton and Kellog followed suit despite protests from the American Football, Baseball and Basketball lobbies.
Back in the commentary box, Ganguly did a rapid mental calculation and told his listeners that Napoleon Nayudu was now being paid the equivalent of Rs 10 lakh per run. He regretted that during the IPL season in 2010, he had been paid only about Rs 1.8 lakh per run. He needed to make more money, he thought. Maybe he would join Navjot Sidhu in The Great Indian Laughter Challenge and be paid lakhs and lakhs for laughing. For the rest of the match, he practised laughing hysterically at each ball.
Rewind to NOW.
While neither Amit nor I know the origins of this crystal ball gaze and would like to acknowledge the unknown author, we are sure of one thing though. Tonia would be terribly confused whom to send the congratulatory messages in IPL 2015 and for what wins. Which village would I be in and who would I support?
I will let you know in the Fursat Friday 260 episodes from now.
While I do that,
Have a Great Weekend…
Ravi Kodukula
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Fursat Friday 113 - Facebook and I...
Fursat Friday 113 - Friday, April 16, 2010...
4 weeks ago, my soul stirred 4 inches closer to salvation. I gave Facebook a big bear hug!
Ever since human-lings developed this dying desire to share with other human-lings exactly what’s happening in their bedrooms while they pretend to sleep with their eyes wide shut – preferably next to someone they are legally designed to be sleeping with – and how they brave the snores and the smells of togetherness, the one thing that has come to salvage the smoldered soul is Facebook.
Now I know what you did – not just last summer – even last night. How? Because you put that up on your “Wall”!
For the last many years, I have remained practically uninitiated and have thwarted the temptation of being on Facebook, the Tummybook, the Feetbook or the Bumpybook. For the more uninitiated, my 6 year old daughter argues – and logically enough – that if Facebook is a virtual reality, so should be a book endowed to every other part of the anatomy – the rear (bumpy) included.
My resistance was short-lived though. I saw everybody “tweeting” around me. When I was a kid, I always thought birds tweeted early in the morning on the lush green branches of the trees in my backyard or in the park nearby. The tweets sounded pleasant to the ear – especially when you could decipher that the birds have the same worldly worries as human-lings when it came to reproduction – albeit, asexual in their case. Well, the tweets, at least in my backyard were not about how to go about the act (that has never been the issue in India), but more to do with where to lay the eggs and how to rear the future bird-springs.
Some friends chided me that getting on to Facebook is like going back in time. “Twitter” is the in-thing, they said. And that I should have post-graduated without going through the rigmarole of graduation. It sounded like the higher education advertisements that I could recall when I was in my teens. The ones that were ubiquitous in all the DTC (Delhi Transport Corporation) buses – “Dasvi Fail – Baaravi Pass karein. Baarvi Fail – PhD karein” (If you have failed in your 10th grade – don’t you worry – complete your 12th grade. Likewise, if you failed 12th grade – get a kick out of doing your PhD., etc.)
Having been a dismal failure in my “Dasvi” of Social Networking, I thought it best to go the whole hog. I wanted to do the Baarvi and then the PhD.. So, Facebook was a convenient start.
The first thing that hit me in the face on Facebook was the enormity of how people get down to the task of editing their private lives. Whether it’s a headache early in the morning or late in the night, it’s up on the “Wall” (or something similar) on their pages. Well – I can understand headache as one of the impending evils that human-lings have faced since this fruit and the seed thing happened to us – especially when you have to eat the forbidden fruit – especially late in the night, or when you have eaten the fruit and now bear the seed of consequence – especially early in the morning. But the knowledge of the fruit and the seed and how you want to avoid or embrace them, is absolutely exclusive and classified to you or your gynecologist.
Or if you were a celebrity, the news would be most appropriate for rumor mills and gossip mongering celebrity paparazzi. For all that you know, your announcement of the headache might land you in a million dollar deal of an “exclusive story and photographs first ever published in any gossip magazine ever”. But why on earth on Facebook?
And then of course, the most compelling feature (at least for those who stoutly advise you to rub your nose into) is the various groups, societies, bodies, circles and syndicates. For e.g. 17 of my 219 friends have enrolled into a Group called “If 1,000,000 people join this Group, Facebook will delete the Group called ‘F*** India’ ”.
Now, what about all the effort and energy that the administrators from (assumingly) Pakistan who have created such a worthy Group and who have no choice now, but wait with bated breath till 1,000,000 people actually go to this Page and sign up for deleting it. The poor fellas didn’t have an iota of an inkling when they started this love-hate Page with passion, that one day, it will become the scourge of a billion passionate Indians – with a few million on the Facebook who would actually post comments on this Page.
With comments ranging anywhere between “I hate Sania Mirza for the obvious reasons” and the regular and innovative expletives including Sania Mirza’s tennis racquet put to appropriate use, this Facebook Group and the spat on it is nowhere close to what I signed up on Facebook for. For connecting back with friends and really knowing what’s happening in their private lives and in the private lives of their friends, who, for the good or better of the way the networking world works, are now my friends too – and whose Private lives are up for scrutiny on Fursat Friday!
While I discover more of Facebook and muster courage to bare and dare all of my Private Life…
Have a Great Weekend…
Ravi Kodukula
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
